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It's All Your Fault! explains, in easy-to-understand terminology, behaviors of people who have personality disorders, particularly blaming, irrational, and impulsive behaviors. This is a growing problem—possibly effecting over 25 percent of the US population—and a predictable one that can be managed and keep everyday problems from becoming high conflict disputes.
- Sales Rank: #67020 in Books
- Published on: 2012-02-21
- Original language: English
- Dimensions: 8.75" h x 6.00" w x .75" l,
- Binding: Paperback
- 368 pages
- Current and/or most recent edition
About the Author
Bill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, mediator and the President of High Conflict Institute. He developed the "High Conflict Personality" theory (HCP Theory) and has become an international expert on managing disputes involving high-conflict personalities and personality disorders. He provides training on this subject to lawyers, judges, mediators, managers, human resource professionals, businesspersons, healthcare administrators, college administrators, homeowners’ association managers, ombudspersons, law enforcement, therapists and others. He has been a speaker and trainer in over 25 states, several provinces in Canada, Australia, France and Sweden.
As an attorney, Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California and the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego. Prior to becoming an attorney in 1992, he was a Licensed Clinical Social worker with twelve years’ experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law for six years and he is on the part-time faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law and the National Judicial College.
Most helpful customer reviews
61 of 66 people found the following review helpful.
Extremely helpful
By Laura
I recently managed an employee who's a high conflict person (probably BPD). I learned so much from this book and it actually gave me empathy for these folks and the fact that you simply can't reason with them. They have such a hair trigger for danger and go into some sort of serious survival mode.
My employee tried to report a "hostile work environment" to HR, but I'd already been talking to HR about her for a period of time. I, also, luckily, had a strong reputation for being very empathetic, fair, and calm.
Her survival technique was to talk to my manager and manager's manager about me, when I tried to enforce any boundaries or work standards. The first time it happened, I became extrememly concerned. But by using these techniques and following the advice in this book--it's almost like she got frustrated that I wouldn't react and quit. She didn't like constructive, simple feedback and from the point I started coaching her and working w/ HR to when she quit only took about two months.
What was scary about this perons, was that she couldn't get through a sentence without twisting things or outright lieing. It's like she was contantly spinning everything to try to manipulate peopel's perception. She'd lie about things it made no sense to lie about. One week she'd storm at me and cry and be going to HR and the next week she'd ask to have lunch as if nothing happened.
I was definitely this person's "Target of Blame", and she did enlist a negative advocate to vent to, but this person ended up being very nice to me, and we get along. I don't doubt it's damaged some of my relationships, which had always been good at work.
It was one of the draining, stressful experiences I've ever been through and this book was a godsend.
I'd say if you're dealing with a high conflict person at work...get this book, read it all the way through once, and then read through slowly and really aborb the information. It works. I used the E.A.R. method, and I remembered that you can never, ever let your (understandable and justified) anger show. People with BPD in particular have preternatural attunement for emotions, though.
Next...document everything. Take time out of each day to note the date, and right down anything and everything that happened. Never be alone with the High Conflict Person and beat them to the punch. Get to HR, managers, etc. first and bring all your documentation.
Don't let on to the person in any way that you're doing this, though.
These people can trigger a lot of emotions, so it's important to really take care of yourself, use the support systems at work for employees, and even bring this book to HR or your management team to explain what's going on (be careful though, as Eddy describes in the book, you only want to use this info to protect yourself). This is all easier said than done, I'd wake up in the middle of the night with knots in my stomach and feel scared to go to work not knowing what she'd do next.
I also have some high conflict family members, so this book has already helped me not engage or escalate drama.
You can't change these folks, tell them they're wrong, or get them to listen to reason. So save yourself years of heartache and hurt, and don't try. Just protect yourself and get on with your life.
29 of 30 people found the following review helpful.
How to protect yourself from toxic people
By Maeri
Bill Eddy's It's All Your Fault is a must-have book for anyone (and that is most of us) who have what he calls High Conflict People in our lives. What makes this book so valuable is that it isn't a psychology book, even though he does briefly write about the origins of the personality disorders that HCPs suffer from. This book is about how to protect yourself from becoming sucked into drama, distorted feelings and paranoia that HCPs bring into our lives. The examples of HCPs that Eddy writes about are those we encounter in legal and business settings. HCPs waste vast amounts of taxpayer money through frivolous and bizarre litigation and can cripple businesses and demoralize their fellow employees with their angry and manipulative behavior. Eddy's advice seems counter-intuitive; he suggests listening to their complaints with what he calls E.A.R., that is Empathy, Attention and Respect. Anything less simply confirms their self-image of themselves as victims, makes their behavior worse and opens us up to being what he calls a target of blame on the HCPs part. We also risk getting sucked into the HCPs drama and taking their side and becoming a negative advocate and unwittingly making a bad situation worse. Eddy wisely writes that HCPs cannot tolerate the slightest amount of criticism and nothing we can do will change them. This is great advice. Other books about dealing with personality-disordered people suggest that we have the capacity to change them and frankly, it's absolutely futile. All we can do is steer clear of them. Eddy also suggests a communication style he calls B.I.F.F. This means keeping our communications with HCPs Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm and establishing strong boundaries with them (since they are incapable of establishing boundaries themselves). This is an invaluable book, clearly and concisely written, and thank you Bill Eddy for making your experience available to us!
28 of 34 people found the following review helpful.
Great Help for dealing with tough people
By Steve Econ
Chances are some time in your life you'll encounter a high conflict person (HCP). An HCP will take things you say and misinterpret them, blame you for everything and can easily convince others that you are off your rocker. Oh, you've experienced this too?
Bill Eddy is the president and co-founder of the High Conflict Institute. He is an attorney, therapist, mediator and public speaker. He provides seminars on mental health issues for judges, attorneys and mediators.
This book is incredibly powerful for three reasons. First, Bill takes all of the psychological terms and makes them understandable to the common man. Then he describes high conflict behavior in a way that makes it easy to identify. Lastly he tells lots of true stories -- making the concepts easy to grasp.
Bill Eddy doesn't tell you how to "beat" the other person in an argument. His whole focus is to help you understand what drives the high conflict person and how to protect yourself and live without lowering yourself to destructive behavior.
Here are few of the key points Bill covers in the "Understanding HCP" section:
-Don't take their personal attacks personally -- it's more about them revealing their hurt and weaknesses than it is about you.
-Don't get involved in retaliating and giving them negative feedback, it just feeds the fire of anger and escalates the situation.
-Don't become a negative advocate. High conflict people have a way of sucking you into their problems and way of thinking. We need to set firm, yet loving boundaries.
In the second half of the book he gives plenty of practical, actionable advice.
Whether you're dealing with an angry teen, spouse or ex-spouse, sibling, neighbor, co-worker or boss, the illustrations and real-life stories Bill Eddy shares will equip you to deal more effectively in these situations. This is not a quick fix book -- we're talking about changing our natural inclination to defend and attack when hurt -- but it is a real eye opener and will lead to long term changes in thinking and behaving.
Both Annette and I have read this book and referred to it time and again as we run into High Conflict People in our lives.
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